Let me start off by screaming on the top of my lungs F*** TOXIC POSITIVITY!!!

Because you know what? Hardly ever, is this world all rainbows and butterflies. The truth is, life is hard. Life hurts and it’s confusing. Life just sometimes flat out sucks (full disclosure: I’m eating a pint of ice cream as i’m typing this).

I’m definitely a person who feels TOO deeply and lately, I find myself beating on my heart saying that I wish I could just care less. I wish I could be numb against all the breaks that my heart has taken–hell, my heart hurts already for things I can see coming soon. WHO DOES THAT? 

So let’s take a look at the definition of ‘toxic positivity’: 

“𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕠𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕘𝕖𝕟𝕖𝕣𝕒𝕝𝕚𝕫𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟 𝕠𝕗 𝕒 𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕪, 𝕠𝕡𝕥𝕚𝕞𝕚𝕤𝕥𝕚𝕔 𝕤𝕥𝕒𝕥𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕣𝕖𝕤𝕦𝕝𝕥𝕤 𝕚𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕕𝕖𝕟𝕚𝕒𝕝, 𝕞𝕚𝕟𝕚𝕞𝕚𝕫𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕚𝕟𝕧𝕒𝕝𝕚𝕕𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕒𝕦𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕚𝕔 𝕙𝕦𝕞𝕒𝕟 𝕖𝕞𝕠𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕒𝕝 𝕖𝕩𝕡𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕟𝕔𝕖.”

So I get the whole “sending positive vibes” or “happy thoughts only” thing.

What does that really mean?

I for one, have been responsible for sending / saying similar things to individuals–none of us are perfect. And I’m not trying to nag on anyone if you’ve said these things before, like I said I’m guilty too. These phrases do come from a place of love. We don’t say them because we don’t care about someone–no, that’s just it. We DO care about them, that’s why we are talking to them in the first place but sometimes we just don’t know what to say. And why should we? If we’ve never been in their shoes…we can’t possibly know the PERFECT thing to say. Hell. I am / have been in these terrible situations and I don’t even know what the perfect thing to say to me is. Remember: the world isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. No. We get mad. We get jealous. We let these things consume us.

I wish I could say that sometimes the world and my circumstances don’t get the best of me. But they do–and always, they leave me crying my eyes out on the couch, in the fetal position, wishing the feelings would just go away. I’m not saying that we need to turn into these negative people who HATE the world and everything in it. No, that’s not good either. There is strength in finding positivity in your life. I believe there’s strength in feeling these f***** up emotions and allowing our bodies to release them. Afterall, that’s what toxic positivity does the OPPOSITE of.

Here’s what we need to pay attention to:

  1. Masking your true feelings with the “it’s fine, i’m fine, everything’s fine” feelings instead of admitting that your life is HARD right now. This may be the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do. Or the hardest thing you could ever imagine–and yes, that includes thinking these feelings will never end. But they do, eventually. Sometimes these are ‘fleeting’ feelings that in the moment, feel like they’ll never end…but if you’re like me–you’ll eventually cry yourself to sleep or you’ll feel like the weight has been lifted some after letting yourself release.
  1. “Well this sucks. But I need to get on with my life now” you dismiss these emotions that are weighing on your heart. Or my favorite “well yeah. It’s bad, but other people have it worse than me.” No, no, no. Girlfriend–you deserve to FEEL how you are feeling, because this is your reality. No one can take that away from you.
  1. Feeling guilty for what you feel. Hmmm, this one–I tell ya. You may feel guilty at times reaching out to your friends, or cancelling your plans because you just can’t fathom leaving the house right now or socializing. Do your best to allow the people who love you into your life–but work on communicating these feelings to them so that they know where you’re coming from.   
  1. I’ll be the first one to tell you–people WILL try to give you perspective (everything happens for a reason) because they might not be able to place themselves in your shoes and the truth is–WE DON’T KNOW why terrible things happen to people. There’s no actual reason. And saying “everything happens for a reason” is probably one of the most bogus things i’ve ever heard. There’s no REASON for you to be enduring this pain and no REASON for these terrible things to happen. Truth is, the world is unpredictable and full of questions.
  1. Shaming people for how they’re feeling. This one’s my favorite. There will be people you may lose in your life because they can’t handle you expressing your frustration or sadness. Or they just want you to be positive and move on with your life. Please let these people go–maybe not forever–but let them do some soul searching on their own. Because it is RIGHTFULLY your given right to be frustrated / sad when life is sucking everything out of you at the time. Expecting anything less than you being frustrated / sad is taking away your power. 

Please do not ever deny your truth–because that’s just it. It’s YOUR truth.

It’s your life and no one else’s. We live in a world where we see happy people literally everywhere we look (especially with social media). We don’t see the true story behind these beautiful pictures, or cheery faces. We see what we show one another, and unfortunately–being vulnerable is not everyone’s favorite thing to do. When you’re vulnerable you may worry about judgment, retaliation, loss of relationships, etc. The list goes on and on–we get it. Being vulnerable is absolutely TERRIFYING. But you know what? It’s RAW. it’s AUTHENTIC. And I believe being vulnerable is as close as we can get to one another’s truest heart. 

So why aren’t we more vulnerable with one another? Why do we feel the need to send a “positive vibes” text instead of saying–”I’m here for you both good and bad” or “this absolutely sucks and I’m so sorry that you have to be going through this.” Our hearts literally CRAVE authenticity if we really listen to it. Not that anyway can understand–but that they are simply THERE and they AREN’T going anywhere. No matter how ugly it may get–because I promise you, there may be some real ugly days. 

So in the end, are you going to choose how you show up to the world? Life’s way too short to hold in how you feel and keep it to yourself. It’s too short to sit alone, avoiding tough conversations or pushing your feelings deep inside when they’re literally fighting their way out…and they’ll find a way out..eventually. If you recognize any toxic positivity in your life–it’s okay. But just be aware of it and set healthy boundaries with yourself so that you can cultivate healthy, meaningful relationships with yourself and others. We need more vulnerability and authenticity in this world. You only live once–embrace it. 

Xoxo, 

Steph | @stephh.dm