Hello My Beautiful Readers:
It’s been a minute since I have wrote a post and shared my life with all of you. I started to create a post earlier this week to say “I’m back” but it didn’t feel honest. If you are a loyal reader, you know that’s not my style. I always intend to share my true and authentic thoughts and life. You all deserve to know the truth about me, that’s why I write this blog. I do not do it for fame or to gain recognition for my work; it’s simply to inspire and connect with you, my reader.
Therefore, I cannot just create some half-ass post telling you everything will be back to normal and overlook the truth of my absence.
I have neglected writing for PYM for a few reasons. One main reason I have failed to provide content for all of you was due to the time factor. Being in one of my last semesters of my undergrad, projects and exams were drowning me for most of the past three months. This made it tough to have time to just sit down and write from my heart.
Let’s Get Real
The next reason, and reason I am sharing this “truth”, is because I was feeling very depressed and anxious. During the last two semesters, my anxiety had reached some of its worst moments. I kept experiencing these periods of deep depression and helplessness. I felt very drained, mentally and physically. It was this constant feeling of sadness and emptiness. Nothing inspired me, nothing truly made me happy.
I still can’t pinpoint why I fall into these extreme periods of depression and darkness, but I do think it roots from high amounts of anxiety and stress. If you’re a student in University, you totally understand where I am coming from. However, I tend to experience that same stress and anxiety you may feel before a test (or some other stressor from school) almost everyday of my life. This is a growing problem among college students in modern day. We experience high levels of stress due to the pressure we have from society to succeed.
Anyways, I felt very isolated this whole year. It became difficult for me to connect with people and I was losing all my motivation to do anything. I would just cry and ask myself “what’s wrong with me?”
Living with anxiety can be tough because you want it to go away with all of your being but in some sense, this almost makes it worse because it’s not going anywhere. It’s part of you. Then, you have people telling you “why don’t you just take meds?” Well, yes you could just take drugs to alter your mind but then you lose parts of yourself in the process. I hate my anxiety, but it makes me the driven and strong woman that I am. The pressure I put on myself has made me successful in my endeavors, but it has also caused added stress and pressure. I also don’t want to rely on a drug to enhance my mood, I want it to be genuine. I want to find genuine happiness and peace, not use drugs as a crutch to my happiness.
It’s difficult to explain your anxiety to others as well because it’s more than just “stress”. Once it’s triggered, you can’t just flip a switch to make it go away. This is the part that people never seem to understand.
I’ve tried to be more vocal with my significant other about when my anxiety is being triggered, in order to teach him how simple, everyday things can be triggers for me. I think this has allowed him to understand anxiety, and me, a little better.
The hardest part of dealing with my anxiety is the feeling of isolation and loneliness I have experienced during college. I am definitely not an average college girl. Living with anxiety has made super self-aware and sometimes disconnected with the general population on a college campus. I have a few amazing friends but I have never had a huge friend group like everyone else around me seems to have. As much as I try to act like it’s not a big deal, it still makes me feel like an outsider in many social situations.
This sometimes creates internal stress and anxiety for me because I feel like I am doing something wrong. I often feel like others are judging me or thinking I am weird, which is an interesting concept, given “I don’t care” what people think. I am not afraid to be myself but sometimes I feel like being myself pushes people away. Whether that’s true or not, that’s what my mind tells me. This is why last summer when I lost two close friends, I felt a lot of self-blame because I figured it was because of something I did. When that was simply not the case.
The self-awareness is something I have gained through being anxious. It’s made me learn my strengths and weaknesses, it has also allowed me to read the energy others give off around me. This is where it sort of becomes an issue in social settings. This awareness makes me retract from people who rub me the wrong way, which is good in the bigger picture. It just makes short-term friendships hard for me.
There were points during the last few months that I felt completely overwhelmed with anxiety and anger. I became very irritable and short-tempered with others. This became detrimental to my relationships. It made me feel even more isolated. I pushed away friends, family and my boyfriend. During a run this spring, I was listening to a Demi Lovato song — Skyscraper, and I completely broke down. I wasn’t myself. I didn’t like the person I was becoming, I was feeling completely defeated on the inside.
As Shawn Mendes says in his newest hit song — “Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in. Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can’t, it isn’t in my blood” — In My Blood // Shawn Mendes
This line resonated with me. As often a I would like to just give up trying to win the battle in my head, I just can’t because that’s not who I am. I am stronger than my anxiety and it doesn’t define me. The darkness inside me has led me to some of my brightest moments. Together, it makes me who I am.
In Conclusion…
After this summer, I will officially be done with college. And to be honest, I’ve never been more excited. I am not usually one to rush time, but I am looking forward to moving on from this chapter of my life. I feel like I missed out on a lot of “college” things but I also did a lot of different, amazing things. I just feel down when I think about how I never connected with one big friend group, lived with my best friends or visited other campuses for football tailgates and events. There are just a few parts that make me feel even more like an outsider and I am ready to move past that.
I guess there isn’t much of a point to this post or anything you can really gain. I just wanted to be super transparent with all of you and let you know the real reason behind my absence. It was difficult to write this and share this because there is always the fear of judgement. I just hope anyone who is struggling with a similar issue can understand you are not alone and these moments do not define you, they create your strengths and they build your character.
But, I wanted those who I may have been distant from or let down over the past few months to understand why. Sometimes “i’m busy” just means I am anxious and need to recharge. When I am feeling this depression and anxiety, I don’t like others to know on the surface. I keep it to myself, since it is an internal battle others rarely see.
However, PYM is for sharing the truth about life and this is my life. I experience low points and I learn from them. I have had my strength tested a lot throughout my college career but I am thankful for the person it has molded me into. I am feeling better now, I just feel like I need a break to refresh my soul. If you have any tips on recharging and refreshing your mindset, please share them in the comments.
Thank you for sticking with PYM through the highs & lows. I do plan to restart a blogging schedule and adding some new pieces to the site. Just stay tuned while I find my peace first.
As I always say, and the tattoo says on my back, “never give up”
Much Love,
Alyssa