Dating can be the worst, but no one ever needed a blogger to tell them that. All the writers and love gurus can give advice on navigating the pitfalls and triumphs of dating but none of that really makes sense until you have the love of your life by your side and you can look back at the single life and think “ah, yes that’s why Chad never hit me back.”
I’ve never had a literal Chad not hit me back, but I’ve had my fair share of failure in the past year as I unleashed myself into the world of dating. I say dating but what I really mean is, I downloaded Tinder. Tinder- a place where nightmares can come true and force you to delete the app. But you come back to it again.
I mean, we don’t really want to let go of the idea that one of these times we’ll match with the man we were meant to be with. Then boom, modern day Cinderella moment. What else are we supposed to do in this kind of tech era?
If Tinder is meant to be the first page of my fairytale, it would only be made possible by the lessons I learned before. The light at the end of the dark tunnel (aka Tinder) hasn’t been Prince Charming as much as it’s been a path to self-love and higher standards.
Don’t Settle
The reality of Tinder is that everyone there is desperate on some level. Desperate for different things, sure, but desperate nonetheless. Whatever it is that we need, we need it so badly that we try to find it in the confines of short bios and a handful of outdated pictures.
Tinder is the best place to go when you’re willing to settle out of sheer desperation for x,y, or z. The awful pick up lines and dead end introductions can be a good reminder that you’re cute to other people besides your mom. In that case, settling may be fine. But something starts happening when those one liners become your standard for a person you’d be willing to date.
Tinder makes it so easy to be impressed by the literal bare minimum.
When I first got on Tinder I didn’t know what I was desperate for. Attention? Fun? A good laugh? Or, dare are I say…a relationship? This made it really easy for me to fall into settling. I matched with a really cool guy, like I was bragging about him to friends and that was enough for me right then. He obviously wasn’t looking for something serious and, not knowing what I was looking for, I decided that I was also not looking for something serious.
As time went on, I cared less and less about how surface level cool this guy was and only noticed that I was unsettled by him. This problem didn’t come down on him, though- it was on me. When I was really honest with myself I knew I wanted something that meant more than the fun, casual thing we had going on. I didn’t need it to be wedding bells ringing in the distance but I wanted it to be something that held more weight.
So instead of settling with it being less or asking him to give more than what he wanted to, I let it fizzle out and moved on.
It’s Not That Serious
Shortly after, I found myself on a first date with a match and really hitting it off. Embarrassing enough, I even sang love songs at glass breaking volume on my drive home. Great job, Tinder!
Things between us felt more real and I liked that. I didn’t feel like I was settling. For a little bit. It quickly became clear that he was much more invested and much quicker, than I was willing to be. I once again found myself convincing myself that what he wanted was what I wanted.
I wanted something more but I didn’t want it to feel like I was stepping into the rest of my life. Especially with just anybody. Even though this guy and I had hit it off and I definitely got moony eyed over him, it wasn’t that serious. Just because you have a great first connection with a guy doesn’t mean you suddenly have an obligation to stick around for the long haul.
Finding love is not a race and Tinder is definitely not the place to put that responsibility on. So keeping that in mind, I got back on the app and got to swiping.
It Comes Down To You
It took a few fumbles in the Tinder-verse to realize why I was there. I was desperate to feel seen. I’ll be the first to admit that I have days I love being alone and days I absolutely hate it. Falling into a pit of wondering why no one has recognized how amazing you are yet can suck the amazing right out of a person (That’s where you find the desperation needed to download Tinder!).
All the bad pick up lines in the world won’t satisfy the need to be truly seen.
People can, and will, love you even if you don’t see greatness in yourself, but it’s not fair to go looking for someone that will make up for the love you aren’t showing yourself.
Being seen is about having someone that knows you and loves all of you. But what really makes this feeling so good is that, maybe for the first time, you are seeing yourself as someone you can love too. One of the greatest forms of love someone has given me was the kind that made me realize how much I could love myself.
Care for yourself, recognize the great qualities within you that make you the divine human that you are. See what parts of yourself make you laugh, make you proud, make you happy and sad and cultivate those things. Don’t settle with just being, continue becoming the best version of yourself. Laugh at yourself, whatever it is- it’s not that serious. Even if it is, laugh in its face because you are you, which means you are strong and capable.
We’re all allowed to be a little desperate but we don’t have to wait for someone to come along to make us feel seen. See yourself as the pretty, young and motivated woman that you are!
Dating can be the worst, definitely. Dating can be a lot of fun, of course. So while we wait for our Prince Charming to make sense of all the Chads we have encountered, remember, at the end of everyday you’re going home with yourself so be honest with yourself, love the hell out of you and get after it!
– Olivia M.