As a woman, and the anxious gal that I am, I tend to apologize way too often. Sometimes for things I didn’t even do or for no reason. Someone bumps into me, I say sorry. Someone does something to hurt MY feelings, I say sorry. I think I’m bothering someone, I say sorry. I email a coworker for something, I’m tempted to say sorry. The list goes on…

It’s a defense for me. I fear bothering someone, so I just blurt out “I’m sorry”. It’s become a habit for me, and it’s become a habit for many women out there.

We say sorry for being disruptive or for being straight forward. We apologize when we don’t do what other people want us to do. We apologize for getting too excited or being too “emotional” about something. Apologizing has become part of our norm.  

Let’s change that!

It’s hard to change a habit. Trust me, I’ve been working on apologizing less for years.

I am the type of person who wants to create peace in my environments and avoid conflicts, so I take blame and just say ‘sorry’ to avoid a fight. However, this is not a good habit to get into. It allows people to walk all over you, and you end up apologizing for no reason. You make the word less meaningful in the process.

Let’s define the problem:

Problem Statements:

  • “I’m sorry!” – when you didn’t do anything wrong
  • “It’s okay” – when it’s not actually okay
  • “You’re fine” – when they’re so not fine

These statements are only a problem when they are misused. Obviously, if we actually need to apologize to someone, we need to differentiate. When we are using these phrases as fillers or just to avoid conflict, that’s where they become problematic.

Don’t apologize for stating your opinion or being honest. Don’t apologize for your boundaries or values. Don’t say “it’s okay” when it’s not okay. Don’t say “you’re fine” when you still have unspoken feelings.

Let’s rephrase:

  • Thank you for understanding – whatever it is!
  • Thank you for respecting my boundaries – versus I’m sorry I didn’t do “something that makes you uncomfortable” or “uneasy”
  • I appreciate your patience – versus I’m sorry for being anxious or emotional
  • I accept your apology – versus “it’s okay”

There are instances where apologizing is appropriate, like I said earlier. However, try to become aware of apologizing and how you can rephrase to maintain respect from others.

When you over apologize, people don’t take you as seriously. Over apologizing makes you look insecure, or makes you look less confident in yourself. We have to live our truth, even if it offends someone.

If something is not okay, speak up and express your feelings. When you’re not fine, let it be known. When you mess up or make a mistake, say thank you to whoever for understanding or giving you another chance. We’re human, we all mess up.

Showing gratitude or appreciation will make people respect your boundaries and values more. When we over apologize, we breakdown the seriousness of our boundaries and values.

Like they say with self-love, you must love yourself first before you can properly and fully love another person. This is similar. If you want to attract people on the same wavelength or who values the same things as you, you must first respect yourself and your values. If you don’t respect your own boundaries, why should anyone else?

As I mentioned, I’m still working on improving this daily but the first step to changing it is becoming aware of it. This is your sign to become aware!

Let’s work together, as women, to stop over apologizing. Watch out for your girl gang and yourself. Tell your friends not to apologize for no reason.

Say “thank you” more and “I’m sorry” less. You are justified in your actions and you don’t owe everyone an apology.

xo, Lyss