This summer, I fell into my first committed relationship since my physically and emotionally abusive ex. I went in with high hopes and a belief that I was healed from my first major heartbreak. I had done the counseling, I had learned how to self-soothe and the flashbacks were fewer and further in between.

I even thought I knew everything there was to know about “self-love.” 

I trusted this guy would treat me as well as I deserved. I trusted he would be present with me, appreciate me and that we shared a mutual respect. We ate Mexican food together, kicked around soccer balls, talked in jersey accents and laughed. Everything was running smoothly. I was finally in a non-toxic relationship. 

However, as time went on, my anxiety grew stronger and I felt more and more underappreciated. Yet, I fought my intuition and dismissed reality. One thought that cycled through my head was “I would not mess this up. I would prove to myself I deserve love.” But, in that, I was trying anything and everything to earn my worth. This person became a vessel for my pain and my desperate need to be loved. 

I tried to work though the time he had multiple non-urgent phone conversations during our first date as a couple. I disregarded the fact that he still had framed photos of his ex up in his room and how he never seemed to be fully present with me. I wanted to captivate him. He was the key to my self-worth. He could undo the negative self-beliefs I formed during my last relationship. 

It took him seeing the reality of our dynamic and leaving for me to face the truth. I do not know my worth. I still blame myself for the brutal punches from my last relationship. I blame myself for the hatred I’ve experienced. As a result of this, when my new beau would betray me or lie to me, I took it harder than is healthy. I found myself in blackout rage when I was disregarded or mistreated. The only problem was that it did not belong in this relationship. And after my breakdowns, I’d feel even worse about myself. 

I wanted this relationship to right the wrongs I perceived within myself. Instead, I was simply adding ammo to the gun of negative self-beliefs I had been holding to my temple. 

The breakup was rough at first. He took my hand and we walked through the meadow in his backyard. Looking down he told me we needed to break up. He said he couldn’t give me the love I deserved in this time of his life. Letting go of his hand, I refused. I told him he would not be leaving me. I did not want to face the truth of how I felt about myself. I did not want to be alone with my self-hatred. I was afraid I’d take the blame for the faults in this relationship, just as a part of me still does for the one before this. He stood his ground and said we would be better as friends. And that was that. 

The first couple of days after, I considered every single thing that could’ve been wrong with me that made me undeserving of committed love. I thought of every possible trait or action I could add to the internal pile of evidence that is labelled “you are not worthy.” 

Some of these post-breakup thoughts are common. However, if lingered upon for too long, they can slow the healing process. In her article on Psychology Today’s official website, Jill P. Weber who has a Ph.D. in psychology said “by and large, the loss of self-esteem is the most disruptive aspect of a breakup or divorce. However, when all a person does is self-criticize, they pile fault on fault until they can think of nothing but their perceived inadequacies. In this state, an individual cannot begin to process what actually happened in the relationship and successfully moving on requires this process.” 

Weber goes on to prompt readers on the various signs that they relied on their partner and relationship for their self worth. I found a few to be the case for me. She advises readers to “…consider if you started to feel good about yourself because of becoming connected to your partner. What that means is, you felt good only because of them, not because of something inherently worthwhile that you appreciated within yourself.” 

Regaining Self-Worth

Luckily, when this most recent man broke up with me, he emphasized the fact that it had nothing to do with my worth or me as a person. He wanted me to know that it was not my fault, though I do have some things to work on. He said what he could to defeat the inner critic I know so well. 

This opened my eyes to the reality that I have been unfair to myself and to my partner. I had been using the relationship as a substitute for my inherent self-worth. According to Everyday Health’s official website, “low self-esteem can distort your perception of your partner, according to research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. In the study, researchers asked more than 500 men and women to complete questionnaires about their self-esteem and then asked them how threatened they felt by their partner’s flaws. Those with low self-esteem were not only more threatened by their partner’s imperfections, but they were also more likely to view their relationship in black-and-white terms: as all good or all bad.” 

A person’s low self-worth does not only impact them but can also negatively impact their partner. It could actually make your partner more insecure. Basically, insecurity becomes contagious if a person is unaware of it. Unfortunately, this reality unfolded in my relationship. I put unnecessary pressure on my boyfriend for making mistakes. I reacted to his slip-ups in overly extreme ways that made him feel worse than he should have. 

Now that I am aware of my low self-worth and its impact, I’ve taken steps to forgive myself for my mistakes during the relationship. In addition, I’ve meditated on the fact that it is not solely my fault the relationship failed. In fact, romantic relationships often fail. According to Hack Spirit’s official website, “…70 percent of straight unmarried couples break up within the first year. This is according to a longitudinal study by Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld who tracked more than 3,000 people, married and unmarried straight and gay couples since 2009 to find out what happens to relationships over time.” 

In other words, if you’ve gone through a breakup, you’re not alone. This does not define your worth. Your failed relationship should not be used against you. Although, it is important to ensure you have a healthy sense of self-worth before engaging in a committed romantic relationship. It is also healthy to take responsibility for your slip-ups and mistakes. This ensures that you’re in a relationship for the right reasons, rather than unintentionally selfish ones. It helps not only you, but your partner if you are secure in yourself. Don’t rush yourself into a relationship. It’s okay to take your time to heal and grow as a person. You’re not less than for that. 

To close, I’m sharing a poem that can serve as a reminder to truly find value in yourself rather than finding it in others. Remember that you love others better when you love yourself better. 

Coffee and cream by Kenzie Holton 

I close my eyes and tell myself black coffee tastes just as sweet 

Because my best friend said you’re not the coffee, but just the cream

And that sometimes I’m better off than it may seem. 

I sat in the shower and of you, I was washed clean. 

I remember when I couldn’t stop drinking 

Not the black coffee, but only the cream. 

But now I know my life is better in black, 

It’s not bleak. 

It’s all the colors mixed into a beautiful scene. 

It’s independence and real love that comes just from me. 

And I’m not in the chains of your expectations, I’m free. 

@misskenziejade