Music has always been my preferred form of therapy. I’ve always been a firm believer that there was nothing a good playlist couldn’t fix, and so consuming music has always been my go-to for feeling better.
When I was re-adjusting to a new life with my new step dad, music became my best friend. When I relocated to a new town where I knew no one for school, music was my comfort. Long drives at night would be incomplete without the speaker I leave on my dashboard, keeping me from seeing my speed. I’m not great at communicating how or what I’m feeling, so being able to listen to a song that explains it perfectly takes some of the burden off my shoulders. I thought I had made a playlist for every scenario imaginable, until I had a very dramatic and emotional falling out with a friend. I had been fortunate enough to avoid such betrayal of trust within a friendship for so long that when it happened I was left at a loss for words and songs.
There were such complex emotions in losing her as a friend, and I often found myself bouncing sporadically between them all, that creating the playlist to help me heal was difficult. I knew I needed to identify and lean into the separate emotions, no matter how hard, in order to properly accept the loss of our friendship and find the closure I so desperately needed. It took a lot of trial and error, a lot of tears, and a lot of frustration, but I finally was able to put together a playlist that helped me get through my “break up” and help me reconnect with old friends who I relied on heavily during this time. In sharing the music I listened to during this vulnerable time, I hope others can use my playlist as a way to express their emotions healthily and get the closure they need.
For When You’re (Rightfully) Angry
My first reaction to our friendship ending was anger. I was angry at her for hurting me so, I was angry at myself for being vulnerable to someone who would use it against me, and I was angry at the world for the unfairness of it all. In the heat of this stage, typical break-up songs were my go-to’s. Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know,” for example, was a favorite (though I am a sucker for the Pentatonix version). I needed to know that my pain was validated, and these songs helped me realize that.
Backstabber – Kesha
Fake Love – Drake
Figures – Jessie Reyez
Friends and Alibis – Escape the Fate
FU – Miley Cyrus feat. French Montana
Hold Up – Beyonce
Honey – Kesha
Somebody That I Used to Know – Gotye
Tragic Magic – Falling in Reverse
Fully experiencing the range of your anger is incredibly important in moving on. I ended up revisiting some old-favorite hits from my middle school emo phase, and hearing the anger and resentment in their songs helped me to realize that I didn’t want to be angry forever. I wanted to forgive and forget and move on!
For When You Need to Remind Yourself Who You Are
My self esteem took a pretty big hit when the friendship ended. I thought it had to have been my fault that things ended so poorly, though I didn’t know how, and I found myself to be withdrawing from other friendships in an attempt to not get hurt again. But living in fear of being close to others is not a way to live, especially when I have so much to offer the world. I needed to remind myself that I am still the fun-loving, caring, and compassionate person I was before. These songs helped me to get that inner confidence back.
Changed My Mind – Ryan McCartan
Dear Yessie – Jessie Reyez
Don’t Threaten Me with a Good Time – Panic! At the Disco
it’s not u it’s me – Bea Miller feat. 6lack
Phone Calls – Jessie Reyez
Sorry – Beyonce
successful – Ariana Grande
THAT BITCH – Bea Miller
The Only One – Lauren Sanderson
you should see me in a crown – Billie Eilish
For When You Miss Them
Even though my trust had been taken advantage of and the relationship I had developed with this person ended so terribly, I found myself wishing I could still talk to them. I’d see a new musical was coming to town, or a new scary movie was premiering, and the one person I had grown so used to telling was no longer in my life. Their absence made me feel lonely and I contemplated many times reaching out to try and mend the friendship. But knowing my worth, and knowing I did not deserve the hell they put me through, I needed to remind myself I was going to be better off without them. These songs helped me realize that.
Another Lonely Night – Adam Lambert
Bad Blood – Taylor Swift
better off – Ariana Grande
IDGAF – Dua Lipa
If You Can’t Hang – Sleeping with Sirens
Low – Sleeping with Sirens
Mean – Taylor Swift
Only Child – Tierra Whack
thank u, next – Ariana Grande
Thnks fr the Mmrs – Fall Out Boy
Through – Hoodlem
For When You’re Ready to Move On
This aspect of the playlist came to me only recently. I mourned the loss of my friendship for several long months, and finally was able to come to terms with my new normal that they weren’t a part of. This section of the playlist is also the smallest because I was no longer avoiding certain artists or songs that would remind me of them. Slowly but surely, I was able to move on and continue life without constantly being reminded that I had lost my friend. These songs reflect the triumphant feeling that came over me the first time I realized I had driven past their house without checking if they were home.
Ain’t it Fun – Paramore
Enjoy Your Life – Marina
no tears left to cry – Ariana Grande
Rainbow – Kesha
Soft to be Strong – Marina
Shake it Off – Taylor Swift
Woman – Kesha feat. The Dap-Kings Horns
Losing a friendship is always hard, especially when it’s one you cherished deeply and were so invested in. I used to regret the time we had spent together, thinking that if I had just been more reserved I would have saved myself the pain of the losing her. Now I realize that while it was a painful one, our relationship was a lesson for me and helped me to grow so much in the past few months when it came to my other friendships and relationships. Music helped me to get the closure I needed and enjoy the greener grass.
Written by Anna Dunigan