With as long as it’s been since I’ve written something deep, I feel like I’ve been waiting ages to write and finalize this piece. It has taken months to find the proper words to even begin writing it. I finally feel like I’m in the right mindset and place to get the words out. This is deep; this is heavy; this is something I feel like more than just myself needed to hear and understand.
I hope you find it hits you right where you need it.
“Happiness” – this seemingly elusive word with hundreds, thousands; millions of variations in meanings, feelings, and definitions. A quote has long stuck with me since May, as I’ve tried to navigate my way through some of the rough waters I feel that I’ve been treading. Before I ramble any further, I want to share it with you.
“The most profound personal growth does not happen while reading a book or meditating on a mat. It happens in the throes of conflict — when you are angry, afraid, frustrated. It happens when you are doing the same old thing and you suddenly realize that you have a choice.”
For months in 2019, I felt I was in a place of conflict between my job and my location. The combination of the two created an environment in my head space that, on many days, made it difficult to maintain a positive attitude. I told myself that “eventually” I would make some kind of change, but had given up after countless job applications, and making it to many final rounds of interviews. I had a Summer opportunity in DC that I turned down because of the pressure I felt from a part-time job that hadn’t quite made me feel validated enough to stay, yet found a way to make me feel guilty for even considering it. Among all the positives, all the interview practice, all the opportunities presenting themselves, I still felt like I was swimming in a sea of negatives.
My friends had slowly (and amazingly) graduated and moved away to new jobs in new cities; my current job felt like it was sucking the life out of me, and my ideal location felt further away than usual, even though it was the exact place I call home.
In both jobs I worked, I tried my very best to always exude a positive attitude, no matter how I felt on the inside. I am a preacher of positivity and good vibes, no matter the circumstance, and I knew that I could not preach something I didn’t practice myself. What helped the most was having my boyfriend four doors down, and a second job environment where I consistently felt valued, uplifted, and embraced. This office was always commenting on my level of enthusiasm for the work and positivity – it’s truly what kept me so positive. It was a level of leadership and camaraderie for which I will be forever grateful, and one that I hope to emulate in future leadership positions. I realized things had taken a toll when colleagues in that office began asking me, almost daily, if things were okay, if I was feeling okay, if things in my life were going okay. The first week of receiving the questions, I figured I just must’ve had bad dark circles under my eyes or a lack of coffee. But as the weeks went on, I realized my mentality had tanked.
The positivity I was known for had gone dormant and people closest to me had begun to notice. I vowed to myself { about which I’ll write in a post on “un-funking” yourself } that I’d work to be that positive, energetic woman again, if for no other reason that I realized my personal vibe was affecting the vibe of those around me. I literally had the power to influence the mood of a room. I took to working towards a level of positivity that I wanted the people around me to have.
My point to this seems endless story is not to leave you feeling empty… I was contacted by a company after they’d received an application. This company is located exactly where I envisioned myself in the last six months, in a role where I could really see myself succeeding. It was a glimpse of positivity even throughout the interview process. I remembered the words of wisdom from the beginning of this post – I have the power to choose. I could choose to be upset, I could choose to feel like the environment around me was causing too much pressure – or I could choose to remain positive through any adversity, because better things are always in the future.
I want to remind you – yes, you – whoever it is reading this, that you have, in most circumstances (I won’t speak for all circumstances because no two are the same) a choice. I chose for so long to go through the motions, because at one point, one of my jobs had been “good to me.” What I needed, was to let go of what was no longer serving me; what was no longer bringing me joy; what was no longer assisting me to the feelings of happiness for which I had so longed.
What I’ve learned through this journey, is that happiness is not a destination – there is no one place in life, on a map, or in a career, that will create happiness.
* It’s been almost two months since I began writing this post, and I finally felt confident enough at the end of January, 2020, to fill in the gaps and write a conclusion. Limiting our happiness to one definition, to a location, a job, a salary, a person; to whatever it might be – can be toxic in a way we don’t realize until others begin to realize it for us. Deep self-reflection is often scary; it causes us to think in ways we might not otherwise think. It also helps us realize that this life is so much more than what troubles us before bed; than the minutes we spend stressing about the little, or the big things; the things of our daily lives that cause hesitation. Life’s not perfect and I don’t claim to think it ever will be, but we get out of this life what we put into it, and I think that’s pretty damn cool.