The summer of 2019 was supposed to be one for the books; the last summer my college roommates and I were going to be all together. We made a summer bucket list, filled with dumb and reckless ideas that would turn into memories we would never forget. As soon as classes were out, the clock was against us, and we were determined to make every second count.
We spent countless hours lounging by the pool, stealing drinks from one another and singing off-key to the radio. There were trips to the beach, shopping excursions, and many, many lunch dates. However, it seemed with the blink of an eye, I had lost my partners in crime. One day we were inseparable; the next, they were nowhere to be found. It seemed more and more often I was being left home alone while they did Instagram photoshoots or went out partying. I couldn’t help feeling left out, the absence of invitations leaving a sting, and I had no idea what brought on this shift.
My first reaction was mostly anger and blame. I pointed the finger at them, knowing I couldn’t have been the issue. However, the more stubborn I became with this idea, the more I began to isolate myself and grow bitter towards them. The less we talked, the larger the gap between us grew. It was when I was the most convinced that they were the issue that I had an epiphany: it wasn’t them who had changed – it was me…
Or, rather, my insecurities. My self-confidence always fluctuates, but it had been taking a slow and steady decline in the few months before and into the summer, resulting in a version of me I had worked so hard to move on from. With my confidence gone, the empty space in me began to be filled with self-doubts and criticisms. Thoughts and feelings that I had worked so hard to ban were rearing their ugly heads, and having terrible effects on my relationships. I had been declining their invitations to go out for so long, leading them to stop reaching out altogether.
Finally realizing what the issue was, I knew the only way to fix my friendships with my roommates (as well as everyone else I had been distancing myself from) was to work on myself. I started investing more time and effort into my self-care and worked to remind myself of the amazing woman I was. I found that the best ways to increase my confidence are to take more selfies, loving them no matter how they turn out, and treating myself to little boosters like a fresh manicure. As Ru would say, “if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?”
As it was a slow decline initially, I knew getting back to my original, self-loving, confident self would be slow as well, but I had the patience. While I still struggle some days, I have become so much happier since the summer. I began to love myself again, allowing me to reach back out to my friends and work on us. We may be separated, but I feel closer to my roommates now more than ever because of the work that was put into our friendships. Knowing how your own mental health and self-confidence affects relationships is necessary in order to always be honest and open with yourself, and will only benefit you as you continue the route of self-reflection.
Written by Anna Dunigan