At one point in our life we will encounter heartbreak. A heartbreak so hard it seems as if the pain will swallow you up. I describe it as drowning. Drowning in emotion and sorrow and the only person you THINK would be able to save you is the very same person that pushed you over the edge.
I am here to tell you that you are wrong. Although it’s difficult, you are able to swim and rise above the water of despair and come out stronger than ever before with the help of yourself and your loved ones.
So how?
Well, trust me it’s not easy. But what do I know?
Believe me when I say I am no expert. I am just a girl that got dumped.
I lost love but I gained a whole lot more.
So if you are experiencing heartbreak or you are hoping to find tools to keep in your toolbox then keep on reading.
Disclaimer: I wish I thought of all these tips myself. Instead I searched for a fix to help the healing process and now here is a compilation of what worked best for me.
So one of the first things I did after my breakup, other than collapse into a puddle of tears, was order a few books.
These books became my BIBLE.
It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girl’s Breakup Buddy by Greg Behrendt, Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt
Ignore the Guy, Get the Guy – The Art of No Contact: A Woman’s Survival Guide to Mastering a Breakup and Taking Back Her Power by Leslie Braswell
Get the Guy by Matthew Hussey
Here are some tips I’ve learned:
Cry it out:
Heartbreak sucks. You need to cry. If you hold it in, it will only hurt you even more. So right after the break up happens give yourself time to mourn the relationship. The first 48 hours are the worst. You are in shock and trying to come to grips with what just happened. When I first was broken up with I came through my apartment door and collapsed onto the ground. My roommate held me as I cried onto her lap. It’s okay to cry and I am happy I had my breakup buddy there.
Find your break up buddy:
Your break up buddy is that one person that you love and trust that will listen to you cry and complain. When handling heartbreak there will be many ups and downs, you need your break up buddy to be there for both. Your break up buddy is like an angel! They remind you of your worth and that this pain is temporary. They are there for you when you feel all alone. Make sure you don’t abuse your break up buddy because you don’t want to drain them emotionally. You will need them for months to come.
Delete the evidence:
You need to channel your inner Marie Kondo for this one. The pictures, the videos, the text messages, they need to go. If they are some that “spark joy” feel free to keep those photos. Deleting photos from your past relationship can be argued because some say that the memories you made are memories and they shouldn’t be erased. However, in order for you to move on, you need to let go of some of the photos, the ticket stubs, and the momentos you kept during the relationship. This is the perfect time to let your break up buddy take over. Give them your phone and have them delete the photos. Hey, you get the storage back on your phone! There’s the brightside.
No contact rule:
My ex and I haven’t talked since he broke up with me. So the no contact rule is self explanatory…do not contact your ex. It is the worst part because all you want to do is reach out. You might have typed up the perfect message to really stick it to him or maybe you crafted a plea to get him back. This is what is going to happen: he will look at it and it will solidify the reason of why he broke up with you. If he wants to talk to you, he will contact you. But it’s so hard right? A trick to use is change his contact name.
Instead of “The Love of My Life” change it to “YDB” as in YOU DESERVE BETTER.
But you may say, “Regan, I need closure!!” Sometimes we don’t get the closure we want and deserve, so we must come to the realization that our closure comes from not having any closure at all. The harsh truth is that your closure should be that your ex has moved on and he doesn’t want to be with you anymore.
Listen to this closure anthem: ‘Closure’ by Hope Waidley
But if you cave and reach out don’t be too hard on yourself. I called my ex two times over a span of two months. No answer for both, shocker right? But I did leave a voicemail. Keep reading to find out what I said.
Social Media:
This one is tricky. I will keep it simple. When you see your ex with his new girl it will sting. So let’s avoid that. In my case, I saw it while I was driving and had to pull over.
The “Mute Button” will be your favorite social media tool. Do what’s best for you and if that means blocking or deleting your old posts then do it. At the end of the day he wasn’t too upset about breaking up with you so don’t feel too bad about deleting them off social media. You have to focus on what is best for you now.
I was at a bar with some girl I didn’t know and I was legit crying in the club because I saw another photo of my ex moving on with someone else. That girl I was with took my phone and deleted my ex without me knowing what was happening. Although I was taken back, she did what I was too scared of doing. So enlist your break up buddy to do the deed! Side note, it doesn’t need to be permanent. When you have healed, feel free to re-add them if you feel like you can handle it.
Rebound Revenge:
It’s not worth it. You will not feel fulfilled after trying to move on if the relationship has just ended. So delete Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and Farmer’s Only. It is bound to make you more upset and if you are not completely moved on then it’s unfair to the other person seeking a relationship.
But if you have spent some time focusing on yourself and you’re looking to get back in the dating game, then go get it sister!
Find a Hobby:
When someone told me to “focus on myself” I wanted to scream!! How does one focus on themselves is what I asked. I turned to finding a hobby. Many people love going to the gym, but for me painting is what really helped. I am the worst painter but I loved painting positive quotes. I would paint positive sayings and it would instill the quote in my brain as I focused on every letter. I could tune out the world and just paint my mediocre painting. I am still not a good painter, so that never changed, but my attitude about life did. Find a hobby that works for you.
Therapy Methods:
You need to put effort into healing and getting over the pain of heartbreak even if feels impossible. For some that could be getting a therapist to talk through it all or writing in a journal. For me, I woke up every morning and put on a motivational YouTube Video. I had a video hype me up for the day ahead just to remind me that I could conquer the day! I went to sleep every night listening to a meditation. It was the only way I could shut off my mind and fall asleep. These two methods worked the best for me.
Here are some links of two YouTube channels I really enjoy :
https://www.youtube.com/user/PracProcrastination
Time Heals All:
They say time heals every wound. When somebody would tell me this I got angry because time was going so slow. I wished for the weeks and month to fly by. I cried to my break up buddy and begged for time to go faster. Then all of sudden the unavoidable happened, time went by and I started to feel better.
It’s self explanatory, but hang in there. Time will move on and so will you.
Thank You, Next:
You lost the love of your life. You feel as if the world came crashing down around you. The one thing you need to realize is that the person that caused you this pain was not the person for you. I called my ex one final time and as the dial tone rang to leave a voicemail, I said thank you. I thanked him for the memories of the good times we enjoyed and I wished him the best. We weren’t right for each other and that’s okay. Because that very same night after I left my final voicemail and hung up the phone, I met someone else who made all of it worth it. It’s because I closed that chapter of my life and I was ready for a new one to begin and give my heart to someone who would cherish it. One door will close and another one will open, so don’t be afraid to walk right in and give it your all.
Healing may take weeks, months, even years. I feel so much stronger now. I have learned how to be my own person and because of that I found love again.
I am here to remind you that you are not alone. You have a whole team of people to turn to. Whether that’s your parents, trusted co-workers, old friends and new friends, there are people to help you get through this. Find your team and hold them tight. You will be okay.
I hope these tools will help you handle heartbreak so you can move towards healing.
Thank you for reading,