Be your authentic self. While that statement is incredibly empowering, it’s also terrifying to me. For the longest time I had no idea what that meant. I genuinely did not know who I was. To be completely honest, I’m still learning who I am. Being my authentic self, not only means being true to myself for others sake, but it means being true to myself for myself. To truly and fully be authentically you, you have to accept and understand some uglier sides of yourself. You have to learn and grow from the mistakes you have made. You have to recognize your strengths and your weaknesses.
Through my path to become a health coach, I have learned all about my weaknesses, and explored the deepest parts of myself. I uncovered the reasons why I consistently put my dreams, goals and desires aside. I give up on things that bring me so much joy, because I am too afraid to fail and disappoint others around me. The fear of failure stems from an underlying core belief that I am not good enough. With this subconscious beast at the wheel of my decision making, I ended up missing out on a lot of opportunities.
This fear of mine has kept me from doing things that I love. I used to sing all of the time, especially when I was a child. I would get praise from loved ones, friends, and occasionally strangers at school. Even though I would receive praise for doing a job well done, I would think I’ve peaked and could not do any better. My mind would blow off any compliments or approvals. I never believed that I was someone with talent, or someone with anything to offer the world. I would tell myself that “I am nothing special or unique. I’m a blank canvas.” There’s no authentic me, because I just bend and roll with what everybody else wants and thinks that I am. I slide in and perform just well enough to pass and then sneak away before detection. My authentic self doesn’t truly exist, because I was too afraid to get to know her. I stopped singing, taking photos and anything else that interested me because slamming the breaks wasn’t as scary as turning the key.
This fear of failing, not being good enough, and disappointing others has kept me from blossoming into who I truly am. It’s kept me from being authentically me for me.
The reason I’m choosing to share this, is with the hopes that it will resonate with someone. I’m sure there’s someone else out there who feels lost. Who feels like they don’t know how to be their authentic self, because they don’t know who that is. I’m sure there’s someone out there who is terrified to fail and to disappoint; who could not bear letting anyone else down, so they choose to hide who they are. I’m sure there’s someone out there, just like me, with this fear of failure holding them back from the things that they enjoy and from the things that they love.
Currently, I am in the process of letting that go. I’m still struggling with it every single day. It’s not something that I have mastered even through training. I just discovered through specific questioning that this is an issue in my life that continues to hold me back. I have definitely made improvements, and these deep rooted fears are no longer in the driver’s seat. They are merely sitting in the back and chime in every so often.
On this journey of building my confidence, letting go of this fear, and pushing through doubt: I will learn to show up for my authentic self. I hope I am able to help you do the same with my guide below.
The guide to find one’s Authentic Self:
Understanding The Critter Brain:
First you have to recognize those harmful thoughts. We have this little voice in our head, this section of our brain that is known as the critter brain. So this portion of our brain is used primarily with the fight or flight response. It’s a way to protect us. When our nervous system recognizes a possible threat, which could be something brand new or something that we have had a not so great experience with, alarms sound and our critter brain lights up. Our critter brain is that voice inside of our head telling us that we are not capable, we are not good enough, we are not prepared enough to take on this challenge. This thing that you’re about to do is brand new. You have no experience with it. You can’t do it. You’re going to die or worse embarrass yourself with failure.
Our critter brain is a real bully. Mine especially. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m recognizing how ruthless my critter brain can be. These horrible thoughts about myself, I can’t believe that someone would say that to another human being. So why on earth is my brain telling me that about myself.
The critter does serve a purpose. It’s there to keep you alive and keep you safe and keep you well. It just sometimes can be a little overpowering and over active. It will take drastic measures to stay in its safe bubble.
Managing the Critter Brain:
- Question those thoughts. When I notice some not so friendly thoughts about myself, I ask, “Would I say this to my friend, to a family member, or to any other human being?” Usually, the answer is no. We tend to be harsher to ourselves than we are to others. I also test those thoughts. I dissect the phrases my critter brain is throwing at me. I demand to see the evidence and break down the reasoning behind the claims.
- Remember that the critter brain is here to keep you safe. I thank my critter brain for protecting me and honor the reasoning behind the pull back. Respecting and honoring the critter brain’s thoughts, is the first step to letting them go.
- Positivity! I utilize positive self talk to boost confidence and to quiet the critter brain. I like to say something positive about myself after recognizing a negative thought. You can also use everyday tasks as a reminder to say something positive about yourself. Maybe, every time you wash your hands or walk into a room, think about something you did well. This allows your inner confidence to grow strong enough to overthrow the critter brain.
- Remember that “failure is feedback”. This is something that I heard, and it has stuck with me for over a year now, helping guide me through life. When we fail that is simply just feedback. It’s telling us how we can do better next time. It’s preparing us to be better next time. The only time we fail is if we choose to accept it as defeat and never stand back up. I keep this quote in my head and remind myself constantly that when I do fail, which will inevitably happen, it is simply feedback and will propel me forward.
Understanding, accepting, and redirecting my critter brain has allowed me to start living life the way I truly want to. I am starting to learn who I truly am by indulging in my interests without having that fear hold me back.
Taking Control Of Your Environment:
The next thing that has helped me during this journey are the people, environment, and media that I choose to surround myself with. I have been practicing being more mindful about the content I choose to consume. You can do this by following influencers that leave you feeling empowered and inspired. If you find yourself making comparisons or feeling worse after consuming a certain media type, take a break and re-assess.
Surround yourself with people that make you feel happy, supported, and loved. Join groups that interest you: cooking classes, pottery, archery, painting, book clubs, dancing, etc. In doing so, you will meet people with similar interests, and usually these groups are full of supportive individuals who will help you learn and flourish. Put yourself in spaces that are overflowing with support and positivity.
Making conscious decisions about who and what you are giving your time and energy to, can tremendously impact your mindset.
Being Truthful with Your Support Group:
Last, but certainly not least is support. I am incredibly grateful to have lovely friends and family members in my life. It’s important to have someone, or a group, as your support because they can be a powerful tool to combating long lasting fears and self doubt. Here’s the thing about having that support, it won’t work unless you are honest and open with them. You have to let them know what you are struggling with and where you need the support.
I have been very open with my husband about my fears, concerns, desires, and dreams. I talk everything out with him, and I am incredibly grateful that he is so supportive and willing to help. Because he is aware of my struggles, he is able to help me recognize when the critter brain is taking over. When times get very rough, he even helps me talk through the thoughts and breaks them down. Sharing your personal struggles with someone you love and trust is crucial to moving forward. This could be anyone that you trust: A mother, friend, therapist, teacher, etc. Go with the person, or people, you trust the most. Share the insights you have on your fears and dreams, so they can be your light during those dark days. Let them help you stand up to that inner bully and show up for your true authentic self.
Sometimes, our critter brain will be loud and ferocious; it’s up to us to learn, recognize, and redirect our harsh thoughts to a more positive direction. Surrounding yourself with a supportive group can be the best step to combat that critter brain. Failure is inevitable, but the decision to get back up is up to you. Like the fabulous Hilary Duff taught us in the (should have been) Oscar winning movie, A Cinderella Story, “Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.” So, embrace your journey and all its entirety: the past, present and future. Allow yourself to learn how to be the best you; to be your most authentic you.
Written by Katie Rahmani